Saturday, February 27, 2010
No posts
Sorry to my followers! I have not had time to post anything recently. I will get back to this asap and update!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Rest in Peace, Daddy.
My mother and I left my father's house when I was 13 years old. We lived with my sister for three months until we were able to get on our feet and get our own place. My dad wasn't a horrible person, but he was a horrible drinker. For the past ten years I have tried my hardest to keep my distance from him and avoid all contact with him. On Saturday, February 6, 2010 he passed away. Now, I regret with all my heart not at least talking with him.
We got the call from my cousin, since my mother is still legally married to him, she had to meet with the funeral director and take care of things like that. We went back to his house - my childhood home- and I was flooded with a million and one feelings. The house was so different, yet there were still things that remained the same for 10 years. My father had upgraded to some new fancy technology. A huge flatscreen tv, a laptop computer and some new nicer furnature. Most of the kitchen remained the same, except for the fact that he began a cooking hobby and now owned every single cooking appliance the home shopping network had to offer. His office is now a cluttered mess of statements and paperwork. As a child, I was never alloud in that room, it was kept perfect for him to pay his bills, neatly and orderly. His basement full of tools was also turned into a jungle of random boxes, clothes, and projects begun but never completed. My bedroom was turned into a storage room - the treadmill we never used, old furnature, and even some of my toys still sat in the closet.
I wish I talked to him, at least once. I should have told him I loved him, at least one last time. The past few days I've done a lot of thinking. The the thing is, I was hurt. He had promised a change that never came and as a 13 year old girl, it hurt so bad to be let down by my daddy. A few days before we left his house, he told me I wasn't his trister (his nickname for me) anymore, however my aunts (his sisters) told me that he still referred to me as trister, even after all these years of me ignoring him.
So why did I never speak to him? Well, I did once. Not long after I graduated high school he called to talk to me. We talked for maybe 10 minutes and it made me so sad. I guess I was still just the same hurt little girl that couldn't believe in her daddy. But his death taught me something. I didn't have to believe in him, I just should have been his friend, at least. No, we probably never would have had a perfect father-daughter relationship, but we could have at least been friends. He would have loved Jayden. Well, he did love him, but he would have loved him even more if he had met him.
And now my chance to make things right is gone. I should have known better. He was never the picture of health. He had three heart attacks while we lived with him, he was diabetic and lost some toes, and despite those conditions, he still drank and smoked. His cause of death was pnemonia. I guess he's been sick since Thanksgiving, but was too stubborn to go to a hospital. He just let it kill him.
My mother and I get to keep his things, and it hurts going there to take them out. I don't feel I deserve anything, but I know he would rather me have it than someone else. His house will go to my aunt. I wish we could have lived there, but it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways.
For anyone who reads this, if there is just one lesson you could ever learn from a blog, don't hold grudges. Don't keep your feelings from someone becuase your afraid it might hurt you. My father died thinking that his only child hated him. I think I hurt him way worse than a phone call would have hurt me. If you love someone, make sure they know it.
We got the call from my cousin, since my mother is still legally married to him, she had to meet with the funeral director and take care of things like that. We went back to his house - my childhood home- and I was flooded with a million and one feelings. The house was so different, yet there were still things that remained the same for 10 years. My father had upgraded to some new fancy technology. A huge flatscreen tv, a laptop computer and some new nicer furnature. Most of the kitchen remained the same, except for the fact that he began a cooking hobby and now owned every single cooking appliance the home shopping network had to offer. His office is now a cluttered mess of statements and paperwork. As a child, I was never alloud in that room, it was kept perfect for him to pay his bills, neatly and orderly. His basement full of tools was also turned into a jungle of random boxes, clothes, and projects begun but never completed. My bedroom was turned into a storage room - the treadmill we never used, old furnature, and even some of my toys still sat in the closet.
I wish I talked to him, at least once. I should have told him I loved him, at least one last time. The past few days I've done a lot of thinking. The the thing is, I was hurt. He had promised a change that never came and as a 13 year old girl, it hurt so bad to be let down by my daddy. A few days before we left his house, he told me I wasn't his trister (his nickname for me) anymore, however my aunts (his sisters) told me that he still referred to me as trister, even after all these years of me ignoring him.
So why did I never speak to him? Well, I did once. Not long after I graduated high school he called to talk to me. We talked for maybe 10 minutes and it made me so sad. I guess I was still just the same hurt little girl that couldn't believe in her daddy. But his death taught me something. I didn't have to believe in him, I just should have been his friend, at least. No, we probably never would have had a perfect father-daughter relationship, but we could have at least been friends. He would have loved Jayden. Well, he did love him, but he would have loved him even more if he had met him.
And now my chance to make things right is gone. I should have known better. He was never the picture of health. He had three heart attacks while we lived with him, he was diabetic and lost some toes, and despite those conditions, he still drank and smoked. His cause of death was pnemonia. I guess he's been sick since Thanksgiving, but was too stubborn to go to a hospital. He just let it kill him.
My mother and I get to keep his things, and it hurts going there to take them out. I don't feel I deserve anything, but I know he would rather me have it than someone else. His house will go to my aunt. I wish we could have lived there, but it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways.
For anyone who reads this, if there is just one lesson you could ever learn from a blog, don't hold grudges. Don't keep your feelings from someone becuase your afraid it might hurt you. My father died thinking that his only child hated him. I think I hurt him way worse than a phone call would have hurt me. If you love someone, make sure they know it.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Birth "Experience"
So today is Jayden's 17th month birthday! Yeah, I still celebrate his monthly birthdays! We shared a chocolate donut in celebration! I've been thinking about how much I read on the web about birth experiences, and women who were "robbed" of their perfect birth, or are depressed over not having the experience they wanted. You know what I say? If you have a healthy baby, your birth experience is exactly how it should have been!
When I was pregnant, I read so much about having a birth plan so I decided to make one. It's a really good thing I wasn't overly passionate about it, because my labor and delivery was so completely different than I could have imagined. I had assumed I would have one of those labors you see in the movies, where I wake up in the middle of the night, and yell "Honey, it's time!" Yeah, Jayden had different plans. At 41 weeks I scheduled my induction date for September 2nd. Of course, nothing goes as planned and the hospital did not have an open bed for me, so I didn't go in until 7 AM on September 3rd. The first day of induction was a breeze, I was given Cervidil, and layed in bed watching TV all day. I had pain, but it wasn't horrible. The nexy day I was given Pitocen, and had my water artifically broken at about noon. That's when labor really began. I got the epidural about 2 PM. The anesthesiologist was an ass. He was so mean to me! Figures a man would not understand the pain of contractions. Throughout the rest of the day, I think I napped for 20 minutes. I'm not even sure if I was actually sleeping, because I was still completely aware of the pain. Around 11:30, the nurse said I could start pushing. I pushed and pushed, but I felt like I was doing nothing. Then they started giving me oxygen, since Jayden's heart rate was dropping. The oxygen mask made it harder for me to take in deep breaths and I was so dehydrated. I gave up. I asked for a c-section.
On my way to the operating room, I started to panic over being cut open while awake. The nurse and I decided it would be best for me to be knocked out. Jayden was born at 2:44 AM on September 5th. I woke up feeling like I was hit by a mac-truck, but that quickly took back seat to meeting my baby. He was so perfect - all 8lbs 3oz and 21 inches of him. Yeah, healing sucked but it really didn't matter. I was out of bed by evening and able to walk around myself the next day.
All in all, having a baby is an experience. It does not matter if you do it naturally or take the epidural. Even when you get a c-section, you are giving birth to your child. It's not about you. That baby in your arms is worth whatever you experienced to get him or her there.
I'm not saying to not plan or to throw any expectations out the window, but keep in mind the big picture. A healthy child is the ultimate goal. This is one of the hugest moments in your life, but it is not a defining moment. No one is "more of" a mother because of how they gave birth.
When I was pregnant, I read so much about having a birth plan so I decided to make one. It's a really good thing I wasn't overly passionate about it, because my labor and delivery was so completely different than I could have imagined. I had assumed I would have one of those labors you see in the movies, where I wake up in the middle of the night, and yell "Honey, it's time!" Yeah, Jayden had different plans. At 41 weeks I scheduled my induction date for September 2nd. Of course, nothing goes as planned and the hospital did not have an open bed for me, so I didn't go in until 7 AM on September 3rd. The first day of induction was a breeze, I was given Cervidil, and layed in bed watching TV all day. I had pain, but it wasn't horrible. The nexy day I was given Pitocen, and had my water artifically broken at about noon. That's when labor really began. I got the epidural about 2 PM. The anesthesiologist was an ass. He was so mean to me! Figures a man would not understand the pain of contractions. Throughout the rest of the day, I think I napped for 20 minutes. I'm not even sure if I was actually sleeping, because I was still completely aware of the pain. Around 11:30, the nurse said I could start pushing. I pushed and pushed, but I felt like I was doing nothing. Then they started giving me oxygen, since Jayden's heart rate was dropping. The oxygen mask made it harder for me to take in deep breaths and I was so dehydrated. I gave up. I asked for a c-section.
On my way to the operating room, I started to panic over being cut open while awake. The nurse and I decided it would be best for me to be knocked out. Jayden was born at 2:44 AM on September 5th. I woke up feeling like I was hit by a mac-truck, but that quickly took back seat to meeting my baby. He was so perfect - all 8lbs 3oz and 21 inches of him. Yeah, healing sucked but it really didn't matter. I was out of bed by evening and able to walk around myself the next day.
All in all, having a baby is an experience. It does not matter if you do it naturally or take the epidural. Even when you get a c-section, you are giving birth to your child. It's not about you. That baby in your arms is worth whatever you experienced to get him or her there.
I'm not saying to not plan or to throw any expectations out the window, but keep in mind the big picture. A healthy child is the ultimate goal. This is one of the hugest moments in your life, but it is not a defining moment. No one is "more of" a mother because of how they gave birth.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Do it, NOW.
I haven't updated the past few days. It has been a roller coaster of a week. My mood has not been a good one.
Last night I ended up not being able to sleep. I started reading more of The Happiness Project. I was putting myself through the usual list of excuses such as "I don't have time for this" when I realized I had time right then and there. Gretchen Rubin started her project by writing down commandments for her self to follow. So I went and got a piece of paper and wrote my first commandment: Do it, now. One of my major problems is I procrastinate, or make excuses about time. But I've realized that a lot of the tasks I put off can be completed in 10 minutes or less. They only take longer because I put them off for days or weeks. Then they become huge chores. So this morning, while getting Jayden's cereal out, I realized what a horrible mess our kitchen cupboards are. Cans were knocked over, bags with less than a serving of pasta scattered about, more juice than I knew we owned, etc. I thought about it and remembered my first commandment. Of course, I had to feed Jayden first (he still hasn't mastered utensils good enough to where I trust him by himself). But as soon as he finished eating, I tackled the two messiest cupboards. It only took about 20 minutes, and I found food that I was able to use for dinner tonight instead of buying something else. I felt proud. Next area I need to tackle is my closet, but it's going to be more than a 20 minute task. I want to try on my clothes and see what actually does fit, what can fit if I loose a couple pounds, and what should have been thrown out months ago.
Even though I was excited about my morning accomplishment, J and I got into another silly argument which sent me back to bad mood land. I feel so bad for getting in crappy moods around Jayden. I should be taking that time reading to him or playing with him but instead I sit there sulking.
Tonight I plan on finishing up my commandment list, and hopefully getting started on my goal planning. But first I need to get some school work done.
Last night I ended up not being able to sleep. I started reading more of The Happiness Project. I was putting myself through the usual list of excuses such as "I don't have time for this" when I realized I had time right then and there. Gretchen Rubin started her project by writing down commandments for her self to follow. So I went and got a piece of paper and wrote my first commandment: Do it, now. One of my major problems is I procrastinate, or make excuses about time. But I've realized that a lot of the tasks I put off can be completed in 10 minutes or less. They only take longer because I put them off for days or weeks. Then they become huge chores. So this morning, while getting Jayden's cereal out, I realized what a horrible mess our kitchen cupboards are. Cans were knocked over, bags with less than a serving of pasta scattered about, more juice than I knew we owned, etc. I thought about it and remembered my first commandment. Of course, I had to feed Jayden first (he still hasn't mastered utensils good enough to where I trust him by himself). But as soon as he finished eating, I tackled the two messiest cupboards. It only took about 20 minutes, and I found food that I was able to use for dinner tonight instead of buying something else. I felt proud. Next area I need to tackle is my closet, but it's going to be more than a 20 minute task. I want to try on my clothes and see what actually does fit, what can fit if I loose a couple pounds, and what should have been thrown out months ago.
Even though I was excited about my morning accomplishment, J and I got into another silly argument which sent me back to bad mood land. I feel so bad for getting in crappy moods around Jayden. I should be taking that time reading to him or playing with him but instead I sit there sulking.
Tonight I plan on finishing up my commandment list, and hopefully getting started on my goal planning. But first I need to get some school work done.
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